I’m so excited for this weeks blog post, mostly because it’s hilarious and not about me!
I sat down with my friend to discuss dating, and she reminded me of a horrific date she once attended with a guy she met on Tinder. So lets enjoy laughing together, for a change, about someone else’s disastrous dating life.
She swiped right on him because he’d just moved from a Northern city, and he referenced “breadcake” in his bio – this is where my friend and I have an argument about regional descriptions of bread. It’s a bread bun by the way, not a breadcake..
He started the discussion by asking if she was taking job applications for a boyfriend (eye roll), and she literally interviews him as if it’s for a job role (not a bread roll…), she’s literally asking about his strengths and weaknesses, but he’s just rolling with it, taking it in his stride and seems to have a decent sense of humour.
It seems at this point, that they have somewhat of a connection, he asks what the next stage of the interview process is, she agrees that a phone interview is the only way forward, so they swap numbers.
So they agree they want to meet, but due to conflicting schedules, they don’t agree on a date to meet for quite a few weeks, but he seems unfazed by this and is still keen to meet up. They agree on a time and place.
Date One
She turns up, and he doesn’t really much look like his pictures, his continuous smiling kind of creeped her out, but she decided not to be that shallow, they still got on fine.
This next bit is my favourite…
Half way through the date, he gets up to use the bathroom. Once he’s out of sight she gets out her phone, but then an elderly man approaches her, probably somewhere in his sixties, and looks confused, “I never received your text”
She looks up, “I’m sorry?” she asks.
He points at her phone, “You’re texting me right? It never came through” and waves his own phone in her face with a cheeky little smile, “maybe I should give you my number again”. They both start laughing, the old guy returns to his pint, and her date returns looking confused.
He questions why she was speaking to an old man, and she explains making it a bit of joke, but he’s acting odd and refusing to make conversation. After a little while, he returns to normal, and they start chatting about tattoos. He tells her he has a really embarrassing tattoo, but refuses to tell her what it is, just states it’s on his lower torso.
They eventually leave, and he walks her to the bus stop where he kisses her. She makes a joke about his tattoo again, and asks to see it, he lifts his shirt, but there’s nothing there, he lied about having it. She’s a little taken aback, but he tries to laugh it off.
He asks her several times not to go home, but she said she had to leave, by this point she’s getting a funny feeling about this guy.
She tells me all about it, but I brushed it off as nerves, and convinced her to give him a second change… maybe I’m a bad friend?
Date Two
Ironically enough, it took place on April Fool’s Day.
They met at a pub and watched the football, mostly so she didn’t have to talk to him and then she spent half of the match eyeing up another guy in the pub (that’s a good sign huh?). After the match, they go for a walk, now she’s already explained to him she doesn’t like PDA’s (public displays of affection), but this guy keeps going to hold her hand and she keeps having to pull back.
He suggests they get food at a local restaurant, but she insists they go to Nandos, he looks really unimpressed. As they sit down, a group of Canadians sit next to them, and one starts chatting to her, asking for suggestions, her dates face drops, and he looks very unhappy. He questions why she always gets chatted up when they’re out together. She just laughs it off, “I can’t help being popular” (she’s not…)
It’s too late, he’s gone weird again, and there’s an awkwardness in the air. She’s sat there, and he offers to buy her a drink, and she jumps at the chance, she can’t stand it any more.
After a couple of drinks, he starts to return to normal, and he asks her about her bucket list, she hands over her phone to show him, he seems impressed and they continue to chat, she eventually looks at her phone and he’s added an item to her bucket list, “Go on holiday with Dan”. She’s not impressed.
He then starts telling her about his family, his Mum and Grandmother are going to love her, and he can’t wait for her to meet them. WHAT THE FUCK? This is a second date, and she’s officially freaked out..
This is turning into a weird dating meme you’d see on Instagram….
She makes excuses about wanting to go home, and he walks her to the bus stop.
This is where it gets even weirder… He pins her against a bush, grabs her cheeks with both hands and plants her with a massive kiss. Her bus comes round the corner and she’s probably never moved so quickly.
You’d think that’d be the end of it huh? This guy must have seen the signs that she wasn’t interested? She literally ran away from him.
Nope, the next day he messages her, and she’s blunt and to the point, it’s obvious she’s not interested.
Four months later, he messages her on Tinder asking about her age…
This all happened about a year ago.
Last week she received a message. “I miss you”……
Sorry Not Interested 